So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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