bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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