Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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