I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
