i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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