Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
