I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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