I'm sorry my penis didn't work
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
