I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
