i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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