im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
