The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
