I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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