While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
