a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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