Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My feet surprised me
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
