I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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