so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
