I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
