I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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