Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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