haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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