I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
