i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
