i just wanna soil my oats bro
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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