i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
