and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
