I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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