Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
