I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I believe in your delicious
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
