I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
