I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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