guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize