when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
