im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
