dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize