Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
