I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
FUCK WHALES
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
