good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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