I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
