don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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