Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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