I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I touched a dick in church today
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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