and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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