I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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