Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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