The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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