so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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