I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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