I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
