last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
