If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
