i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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