All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
