dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
