you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
