I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
