Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
