he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
